


simonsnocone

by watfordbird33



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Agatha the Wingwoman, Crack? Ish?, Demigirl Penny, F/F, It's all just very gay, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pansexual Penny, Really Gay Baz, Social Media, Textfic, Trans Agatha, chatfic, youtubers au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-12-26
Packaged: 2018-12-22 20:19:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11974290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watfordbird33/pseuds/watfordbird33
Summary: bazpitch: HES GAYYYYYYYwellbeloved: WHATwellbeloved: he looks straight tbhbazpitch: the more i stare the gayer he lookswellbeloved: funny how that happens innit





	1. nat and the fuckups

**Author's Note:**

> I know I've been posting a heck-ton,,,,and I'm sorry??? but not really?? It's summer and I have a lot of free time and the headcanons are exploding (haha). 
> 
> Warnings for language. Let me know if you see anything else, but I think that's it.
> 
> UPDATE 9/20/17: 01_WishfulThinking_10 made some insanely beautiful fanart for this piece, and I want you all to go ooh and ahh at it because it's wonderful and captures the entire essence of this story in a single drawing. 01wishfulthinking10.deviantart.com/art/Bazpitch-x-Simonsnocone-705422272?ga_submit_new=10%3A1505901661

_ YouTube Comments, June 17th _

_ on “Don’t Freak Out, But...”  _

_ video posted by  _ **bazpitch** _ (20,367,110 views) _

 

**bazpitch:** just a warning, im not tolerating ANY MORE homophobic comments on here, already deleted one + **davidthemage**

**bazpitch:** understand u may be against my basic values and the video i just posted #exposing them but theres not a reason to swear at me 4 it. this is a public domain and id like to ask u to b respectful (even tho i kno most of u wont listen)

**bazpitch:** just know future occurrences WILL be deleted

* * *

 

_ YouTube Comments, June 18th _

_ on “Don’t Freak Out, But…” _

_ video posted by  _ **bazpitch** _ (20,398,092 views) _

 

 **pennycandy:** Hey, I just wanted to say that I’m really, really impressed by your courage in coming out, especially so soon after the recent hate crimes. You’re an incredible person and icon to both me and my best friend + **simonsnocone.** Please keep changing the world, one inspirational speech at a time. :)

 **bazpitch:** + **pennycandy** this means a lot 2 me, appreciate this more than u kno. if 4 every asshole theres someone like u, ill b happy w the state of the world

* * *

 

_ DM Contents, June 18th _

**bazpitch** _ to  _ **wellbeloved**

 

**bazpitch:** IM SO GAY

**wellbeloved:** WHAT?????? ????? ?????? no fucking way how could u keep this from me

**bazpitch:** ONE OF MY COMMENTERS TAGGED HER BEST FRIEND AND I WENT ON HIS CHANNEL AND HE FUCKING BLEW MY MIND HES THE MOST GORGEOUS HUMAN BEING ON EARTH AND I JUST I CANT EVEN 

**wellbeloved:** NAME NOW NOW NOW

**bazpitch:** NO STEALING

**wellbeloved:** I PROMISE

**bazpitch:** simonsnocone

**bazpitch:** DONT DIE OF OVEREXPOSURE TO HIS GORGEOUS ASS

**wellbeloved:** jesus christ does he twerk or something how would u know

**bazpitch:** no but sometimes he turns around 2 grab shit n like i live 4 it

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:** hes kind of hot

**bazpitch:** IIIII KNNNNOOOOWWWWWWWWW <3 <3

* * *

 

_ YouTube Comments, June 19th _

_ on “Don’t Freak Out, But…” _

_ video posted by  _ **bazpitch** _ (20,500,001 views) _

 

**simonsnocone:** + **pennycandy** thx for tagging me here 

**simonsnocone:** + **bazpitch** LATE TO THE PARTY BUT im kind of just sitting here squealing abt the fact ur gay :))))

**simonsnocone:** ...hope thats not weird

**bazpitch:** + **simonsnocone** hon tbh IM kinda just sitting here squealing abt the fact im gay

**bazpitch:** and OUT ;)

**simonsnocone:** UR OUT

**bazpitch:** IM OUT

**simonsnocone:** AYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYYAYYAYA

**bazpitch:** AYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYYYAYAYAA

**pennycandy:** + **simonsnocone** + **bazpitch** When this is what you return to.

**pennycandy:** By the way, Baz, I posted a tribute on my channel to this video. You can come check it out if you want. I do a lot of political activisim (women’s and minorities’ rights). Simon stars in a bunch of them.

**bazpitch:** + **pennycandy** ILL BE RIGHT OVER THX

* * *

 

_ DM Contents, June 19th _

**simonsnocone** _ to  _ **pennycandy**

 

**simonsnocone:** HOOOOOWWWWWW DO I GET HIS CONTACT INFO

**pennycandy:** Just ask him...

**simonsnocone:** HES AN INTIMIDATINGLY BEAUTIFUL AND WONDERFULLY FAMOUS YOUTUBE PHENOMENON

**pennycandy:** ...UM.

**pennycandy:** WE ARE TOO!!!!

**simonsnocone:** oh yah

* * *

 

_ YouTube Comments, June 19th _

_ on “Why Baz Pitch Is My Favorite YouTuber In The History Of Ever”  _

_ video posted by  _ **pennycandy** (4,389 views)

 

**bazpitch:** i love this beyond expression. ur absolutely wonderful n i love ur channel an insane amount, can everyone just b as cool as u pls thx. lets be friendsssss

**pennycandy:** Email I use for YouTube is pennycandybunce@gmail.com :)

* * *

 

_ Mail Contents, June 20th _

**grimmbitch@gmail.com** _ to  _ **pennycandybunce@gmail.com**

 

Hey, Penny,

 

Just wanted to make sure you’d have my email, too.

 

Baz

 

P.S. Would Simon object to sharing his, too? Feel like we could do some great collabs.

* * *

 

_ Mail Contents, June 20th _

**pennycandybunce@gmail.com** _to_ **grimmbitch@gmail.com**

 

Baz--

 

Thanks, much appreciated! Simon would absolutely not object to sharing his, but I’ve got a better idea. I’m pennycandy on Instagram, and Simon’s simonsnocone. I’d have given those to you first, but online safety, etc...didn’t want my Instagram hanging out there for everyone to see. Shoot us a group DM at some point and we’ll get something going. Maybe we can plan to meet at some point, too?

 

New video up, by the way! I dressed Simon up, just for kicks. It was my birthday over the weekend, so I figured I didn’t have to stick totally to politics. You should definitely check it out. I thought personally that Simon’s outfit was super cute!

 

Pen

* * *

 

_ Mail Contents, June 21st _

**grimmbitch@gmail.com** _to_ **pennycandybunce@gmail.com**

 

Hey, Pen:

 

Happy birthday! May your year be filled with feminists and collabs. Loved the video, by the way (and Simon’s outfit, hahaha). Before I shoot out a group DM, I wanted to ask this here (would like to avoid unnecessary blundering): 

 

Um...you guys aren’t together, are you? You and Simon, I mean?

 

Thanks,

Baz

* * *

 

_ Mail Contents, June 21st _

**pennycandybunce@gmail.com** _to_ **grimmbitch@gmail.com**

 

LAUGHING. Oh my God. Si’s gayer than you. If that’s possible.

* * *

 

_ DM Contents, June 21st  _

**bazpitch** _ to  _ **wellbeloved**

 

**bazpitch:** HES GAYYYYYYY

**wellbeloved:** WHAT

**wellbeloved:** he looks straight tbh 

**bazpitch:** the more i stare the gayer he looks

**wellbeloved:** funny how that happens innit

**wellbeloved:** date him

**bazpitch:** workin on it

* * *

 

_ Group DM Contents, June 22nd _

_ for “hey guys” _

_admin_ **bazpitch** _(2 more users)_

 

**bazpitch:** hey guys

**simonsnocone:** hi baz :)

* * *

 

_ DM Contents, June 22nd _

**bazpitch** _ to  _ **wellbeloved**

 

**bazpitch:** HE SENT A SMILEY FACE CAN I JUST MARRY HIM ALREADY

**wellbeloved:** /I/ SEND U SMILEY FACES

**bazpitch:** IK BUT THEYR UGLY ONES

**wellbeloved:** T ACTUL FUCK WGTFEWGVEF BABE ARE U DESERTING ME

**bazpitch:** UR STRAIGHT

**wellbeloved:** I QUESTIONED WHEN I SAW NATALIE PORTMAN

**bazpitch:** I QUESTIONED WHEN I SAW NATALIE PORTMAN 2

**wellbeloved:** maybe we should just have a poly relationship w nat

**bazpitch:** n simon

**wellbeloved:** will penny feel left out???? ???

**bazpitch:** ok she can come 2

**wellbeloved:** can our squad name be “nat and the fuckups”

**bazpitch:** what abt just “baz pitch + bitches”

**wellbeloved:** IM CRYING BUT WHAT ABT SI

**bazpitch:** baz pitch + passionate lover + bitches

**wellbeloved:** rlly slips easily off the tongue

**wellbeloved:** i still like nat and the fuckups

**bazpitch:** SPEAK FOR URSELF IM A MARRIED MAN I DONT FUCK UP

**wellbeloved:** 1) u literally exchanged 1 dm with him ur NOT MARRIED YET 2) married men fuck up the most

**bazpitch:** u know what im leaving this poly relationship

**bazpitch:** date nat

**bazpitch:** i got simon

**wellbeloved:** yes baz

**wellbeloved:** im sure u do ;) 


	2. imma tell you something slick (about me and my...)

_ Group DM Contents, June 22nd _

_ for “Title Suggestions Appreciated” _

_ admin  _ **bazpitch** _ (2 more users) _

 

**pennycandy:** “The Three Muskequeers”

**bazpitch:** oH MY FFHUEHKRLUYGEBGJ FRICKING HOLY GOD I LOVE YOU hwo dijgrhrrbhjHUE;URH;EKGJERGHIKHGEB

**simonsnocone:** i SHOULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTING THAT BUT I WASNT SO NOW IM DEAD

**bazpitch:** lets all just take a moment to appreciate the beautiful genius in our midst <3 <3

**pennycandy:** Sorry, babe, but I’m nOT STRAIGHT.

**bazpitch:** SOMEHOW I GRASPED THAT

**bazpitch:** our love is platonic and eternal

**pennycandy:** Platonic heart:  <2 Only two-thirds the love.

**simonsnocone:** i love how this is our productive chat where we get shit done and work on our collabs

**simonsnocone:** im #blessed to be a part of this

* * *

 

_ DM Contents, June 22nd _

**bazpitch** _ to  _ **wellbeloved**

 

**bazpitch:** uM SO HIS FRIEND

**bazpitch:** the rlly great commenter who runs like a political activism channel (its sweet and i love her)

**bazpitch:** SHE NAMED OUR SQUAD

**bazpitch:** :) the squad :) that includes :) me :) and :) simon snow :) :) what a beautiful human :) much love :)

**wellbeloved:** PLS GO ON U LOVESICK ASSHOLE WHAT IS THE SQUAD NAME

**bazpitch:** THE THREE MUSKEQUEERS

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:** WHGYTYFEGRJGEMRJGHFEHMRMERMJGFROKAY BYE IM GONNA GO CHECK HER CHANNEL OUT

* * *

 

_ DM Contents, June 22nd _

**wellbeloved** _ to  _ **bazpitch**

 

**wellbeloved:** IM QUESTIONING AGAIN

**wellbeloved:** SHES SO CUTE

**wellbeloved:** PLESB HELP

* * *

 

_ Group DM Contents, June 23rd _

_ for “The Three Muskequeers” _

_admin_ **bazpitch** _(2 more users)_

 

**bazpitch:** ok srsly u guys wanna chat bout the collab?

**simonsnocone:** I WAS HAVING A LOT OF FUN STILL DYING ABT THREE MUSKAQUEERS OKAY

**simonsnocone:** but hey my doods were all OUT (i <3 being out!!!!!!!!) so we can name our collab that

**bazpitch:** oML YES

**bazpitch:** im still fuckin yodeling abt that, ask agatha 

**pennycandy:** ...Who’s Agatha?

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:** ;) ohohohohohohohohohohohoho

**simonsnocone:** no UR a ho

* * *

 

_ YouTube Comments, June 25th _

_ on “Meet Agatha!” _

_ video posted by  _ **bazpitch** _ (11,098,455 views) _

 

**bazpitch: +pennycandy** agatha :)

**wellbeloved: +pennycandy** dude ive heard sm abt u, baz cant stop singin ur and simons praises! checked out ur channel and its sliccckkk

**pennycandy: +wellbeloved** Oh my God, you’re so funny and gorgeous! Do you have your own channel?

**wellbeloved:** nothing posted yet but id love to start! need some ideas

**pennycandy:** Dude, let’s collab!!!!!

**wellbeloved:** :D ABSOLUTELY

* * *

 

_ DM Contents, June 25th _

**bazpitch** _ to  _ **wellbeloved**

 

**bazpitch:** AHAH HAHAHA AHGAGAHHHHAHAHA IM DYIN UR SO SUBTLE

**bazpitch:** :D ABSOLUTELY

**wellbeloved:** shut up she called me gorgeous

**wellbeloved:** im hyperventiatihgbhjre

**bazpitch:** can we double date

**bazpitch:** ACTUALLY WAIT U CANT BE QUEER 

**wellbeloved:** EXCUSE ME

**bazpitch:** IT WOULD FUCK UP OUR SQUAD NAME

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:** thats actually sort of valid

* * *

 

_ Group DM Contents, June 26th _

_ for “The Three Muskequeers” _

_admin_ **bazpitch** _(2 more users)_

 

**pennycandy:** AHGHGYUKGREUYJGKUYFWGYJGJRTFUYTFYWEFHGMSAVGV

**simonsnocone:** woah ive never seen penny lose control like that

**simonsnocone:** R U SLEEPING W HER

**bazpitch:** tf im GAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAY

**bazpitch (unsent):** GAY FOR U MY BEAUTIFUL LOVER

**simonsnocone:** OK BUT I FEEL LIKE SEX WOULD UNHINGE HER LIKE THAT

**simonsnocone:** u kno

**bazpitch (unsent):** I FEEL LIKE SEX WOULD UNHINGE ME LIKE THAT IF IT WAS W U

**bazpitch:** did she die

**pennycandy:** UUHFILHRLJGERJ BITCHES HEGYUTFTY4EFETWMFJQFT

**bazpitch:** thats unfortunate

**simonsnocone:** shes in love

**bazpitch:** W ME???? iiIIIIMMMMM gAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY

**simonsnocone:** WE KNOW U LITERALLY SANG A GAYASS LITTLE SONG TO PROCLAIM UR GAYNESS

**simonsnocone:** “hello my friends, before this video ends, imma tell you something slick, about me and my dick, and the fact that it attracts, OTHER DIIIICKKKKKKKS”

**simonsnocone (unsent):** n then u got that beautiful lil selfdeprecating smile of urs

**simonsnocone:** AND HOT DAYUM

**bazpitch:** …?

**simonsnocone:** oops i didnt mean to send that

**pennycandy:** JKHLFYUEGRFERYJGFQOUW.KGDIEHWKNDFERH;OUEHRGLIYGLYUQJGEYLJGLYJGYWJGELYWGLFRYG SHES SO BEAUTIFUL PLEASE TELL HER I LOVE HER PLEASE AND THANK YOU LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE WHAT A CUTE SMILE I’M SO GAY 

**bazpitch:** i relate

**simonsnocone:** OH ITS NOT U BAZ ITS UR FRIEND!

**bazpitch:** UR SO OBSERVANT

**simonsnocone:** me and my dick

**bazpitch:** SHUT UP OKAY

**bazpitch:** MY DICK IS NONE OF UR BUSINESS

**bazpitch (unsent):** wish it was

**simonsnocone (unsent):** wish it was

* * *

 

_ DM Contents, June 26th _

**bazpitch** _ to  _ **wellbeloved**

 

**bazpitch:** ur cuteness registered her incapable of punctuation n grammar

**bazpitch:** just fyi

**wellbeloved:** kiss me im queer

**bazpitch:** ur very nice but no

**bazpitch:** im promised

**bazpitch:** and gay

**bazpitch:** super gay

**bazpitch:** GAGAGGAGAGAGAGAAYYYYYY

**wellbeloved:** bitch im a trans female demisexual bi-panromantic

**bazpitch:** and i love u 4 it

**wellbeloved:** :) i love u 2

**wellbeloved:** ...but i love penny more

**wellbeloved:** u think she likes nat??? THATS IMPORTANT FOR NAT N THE FUCKUPS

**wellbeloved:** OUR RELATIONSHIP MUST SURVIVE

**wellbeloved:** also i hope shes...not? transphobic? bc? that would? suck?

**bazpitch:** IF SHES TRANSPHOBIC IM DISSIN HER LIL ASS

**bazpitch:** want me to ask her both questions? nat + the trans thing?

**wellbeloved:** yes pls report back ily

**bazpitch:** ily2 <3 <3 <3 <3 babe

* * *

 

_ Group DM Contents, June 26th _

_ for “The Three Muskequeers” _

_ admin  _ **bazpitch** _ (2 more users) _

 

**bazpitch:** penny

**pennycandy:** YGLUEJWYES

**bazpitch:** u havent recovered have u

**pennycandy:** uiefh GYLUhello :) :) HWTAS UR WUESTION

**bazpitch:** do u like natalie portman?

**pennycandy:** SHE IS THE LIGHT IN MY SKIES THE DOLPHINS IN MY SEAS THE MORNING DAWN THE BEAUTIFUL LOVE IN MY HEART THE WARMTH EVERYWHERE, THE SPRING

**bazpitch:** ok good agatha still likes u

**pennycandy:** WHEN WE DATE LETS INVITE NAT

**bazpitch:** ….fuck its like i have 2 best friends

**bazpitch:** also um

**bazpitch:** im confused on how to ask this, subtly

**simonsnocone:** protip DONT BE SUBTLE

**bazpitch:** thx babe

**bazpitch:** ARRGHHH AUTOCORRECT

**bazpitch:** *simon

**simonsnocone:** U TOOK MY PROTIP

**pennycandy:** hJUSTHASK IT

**bazpitch:** okay

**bazpitch:** agatha? is trans?

**bazpitch:** shes scared of ur reaction?

**pennycandy:**

**pennycandy:**

**pennycandy:** OH HONEY

**pennycandy:** is she seriusuius???? 

**pennycandy:** im pan

**pennycandy:** my brothers trans

**pennycandy:** im technically a demigirl but i dont broadcast

**pennycandy (sent a link):** _ www.youtube.com - Standing Up For Our Trans Community After the Ban - pennycandy _

**bazpitch:** i just exhaled 38848586886 breaths of relief

**simonsnocone:** that was fast

**bazpitch:** thats what she said

**simonsnocone:** OH MY GOD I JUST DIED

**simonsnocone:** IM FUCKING WARBLING

**bazpitch:** ;)


	3. titties

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...I'm laughing so hard because I literally JUST realized I made these videos have a royal crapton of views (I wanted thousands, not millions). I SCREWED UP MY TENS PLACES CAN I JUST GO BACK TO KINDERGARTEN PLEASE THANKS.  
>  just ignore that minor discrepancy and enjoy this guilty crackfic free of emotional math burden.
> 
> (I've been so out of it this past week that I also forgot to add the disclaimer that I know next to nothing about YouTube and YouTubers and so all knowledge will be gained by Googling or improvising. Please don't be mad if I get something wrong? I'm writing this to de-stress and make an absolute disASTER of a fic, so I'm not worried about my facts. That being said, I do apologize to all you very legitimate YouTubers and YouTube watchers out there!)

_ Group DM Contents, June 27th _

_ for “The Three Muskequeers” _

_ admin  _ **bazpitch** _ (2 more users) _

 

**bazpitch:** i just realized something

**pennycandy:** I hope it’s that Agatha needs to get in on this hot collab action, and should be added to the chat.

**bazpitch:** yah that but like gimme a sec

**bazpitch:** HOW TF R WE GONNA MAKE A COLLAB

**simonsnocone:** OKAY DUDE SAME I WAS JUST THINKING ABT THAT

**simonsnocone:** I DO FUCKING HAIR TUTORIALS ON A FUCKING MODEL BUST

**bazpitch:** hawt

**bazpitch:** NO BUT YEAH RIGHT N I VLOG ABT DUMB SHIT

**simonsnocone:** AND PENNY. DOES. SOCIAL. ACTIVISM.

**bazpitch:** WHAT WERE WE THINKING

**simonsnocone:** okay has anyone actually told the public we gonna do 1?

**pennycandy:**

**simonsnocone:** PENNY FUCKING BUNCE

**bazpitch:** hahahahahahahhahahhhahhhahah bunce

**pennycandy:** fuck off gRIMM-PITCH!!!

**bazpitch:** too-fuckin-shea

**bazpitch:** =touche

**pennycandy:** THX FOR THE TRNALSUITON I CAN REEEEEADHEYJWG,

**bazpitch:** dear lord did u and agatha hook up

**pennycandy:** No, it’s leftover excitement from seeing her angelic face yesterday. :) :)

**simonsnocone:** PPL BACK ON TASK

**simonsnocone:** so Fuckin Penny told the world we doin a collab

**simonsnocone:** ideaaaas?

**bazpitch:** u braid my hair while penny runs around yelling abt feminism

**simonsnocone:**

**pennycandy:**

**simonsnocone:** ur sooooo good at coming up w ideas baz!!! i rlly like that!!!!!!

**bazpitch:** r u being sarcastic

**simonsnocone (sent an image):** shockedface.jpg

**bazpitch:** why is that a gif

**bazpitch:** so...yes?

**pennycandy:** WHAT CAN AGATHA DO???

**bazpitch:**

**simonsnocone:**

**pennycandy:**

**bazpitch:** TRIVIA

**simonsnocone:** FUCKING NO

**pennycandy:** Hehehehe, how about she plays Minecraft and narrates?

**simonsnocone:** MINECRAFT VIDEOS FML OK WAIT BAZZY CAN U ASK HER PLS IF SHE WILL DO THAT THAT IS FUCKIN GOLD GOOD LORD

**bazpitch (unsent):** love it when u call me bazzy babe ;)

**bazpitch:** u hot dirty dream of a man

**simonsnocone:** …?

**bazpitch:** FUCK MY FUCKING LIFE THAT WASNT SPOSED TO FUCKING SEND

* * *

_ DM Contents, June 27th _

**bazpitch** _ to  _ **wellbeloved**

 

**bazpitch:** wanna play minecraft in our collab

**wellbeloved:** ONLY IF I GET 2 B ADDED 2 THE CHAT

**bazpitch:** done

* * *

_ Group DM Contents, June 27th _

_ for “The Three Muskequeers +1” _

_admin_ **bazpitch** _(3 more users)_

 

**pennycandy:**

**pennycandy:**

**pennycandy:**

**pennycandy:**

**pennycandy:** hiiiiii :) 

**bazpitch:** what she means is hi

**pennycandy:** how uhrt duyug?

**bazpitch:** *how r u doing?

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:** hdffiul gtna you;_

**simonsnocone:** *fabulous, n u? ;)

**pennycandy:** jiuhefwgryhjwefgfuywegfekyufgkewyuhb

**bazpitch:** …….

**bazpitch: *** i love u and wanna have ur babies?

**pennycandy:** BAZSIULTON FYUCJIHG YOU FUCKE RUFCKEUBRR

**wellbeloved:** BAZ ,JGERV,YJEH HGWFUCKIFYCKFUFHEUKJF

* * *

_ DM Contents, June 27th _

**simonsnocone** _ to  _ **bazpitch**

 

**simonsnocone:** RUN FUCKER RUN THEYR AFTER U

**bazpitch:** worth iiTTTTTTT

**simonsnocone:** UR SO GOOD

**bazpitch:** :) thx

**simonsnocone:** ok so since i dont think much collab planning is happening on the other chat…

* * *

_ Group DM Contents, June 27th _

_ for “The Three Musekequeers +1” _

_admin_ **bazpitch** _(3 more users)_

 

**wellbeloved:** URUERB FUCKUHGEUYRJGKUYEGRKRFHGEGRUYBVGHREVH

**pennycandy:** UFHELUIGERLUYJGFLYERHGLYUFJHGWYJLHGFYJHERGFYUEG

* * *

 

_ DM Contents, June 27th _

**simonsnocone** _ to  _ **bazpitch**

 

**simonsnocone:** …..do u wanna do it here?

**bazpitch:** LOL THE NASTY LADIES R OUT 4 BLOOD

**simonsnocone:** we will just leave them 2 work out their sexual tension alone

**bazpitch:** yeah tho, collab

**bazpitch:** aggie n i are neighbors...if u n pen r then we dont have to find a four way spot to meet or anything haha

**simonsnocone:** yah we live in the same town!

**simonsnocone:** vidcon?

**bazpitch:** thats what i was thinkin :D

**simonsnocone (unsent):** fuck hit me with a few more o those n ill jump ur hot ass the first time i come within fifteen feet of u

**simonsnocone:** awesome!!! 4 weeks then to plan

**simonsnocone:** we can film by the river, this yr its somewhere pretty in california w a river, go figure

**simonsnocone:** i should prolly know the name of the town...

**bazpitch:** BUT WAIT how will agatha play minecraft

**simonsnocone:**

**simonsnocone:** SHE CAN JUST BE A FURRY

* * *

_ Group DM Contents, June 27th _

_ for “SMASH THE PATRIARCHY AND ELIMINATE HETERONORMATIVITY” _

_ admin  _ **bazpitch** _ (3 more users) _

 

**pennycandy:** So then I was like, “They’ve been shooting these kids for FIVE FUCKING WEEKS, AND YOU AIN’T DONE NOTHING!!!”

**pennycandy:** and he just handed over the gun. :)

**wellbeloved (unsent):** IM SO TURNED ON

**wellbeloved:** UR ACTUALLY SO COOL OML IM DYING THATS THE BEST

**bazpitch:** hate to interrupt the happy bonding

**bazpitch:** BUT NOT RLLY

**simonsnocone:** AGATHA WANNA E BE  FU8RYRT

**bazpitch:** FUCKING FUCK FUCK GDDAMN DHHFRJHE SNOW U FUCKING FUCKER U STOLE MY LINE

**simonsnocone:** oops

**wellbeloved:** i actually have no idea what he said so like, try again bazzy

**simonsnocone (unsent):** BACK THE FUCK OFF HIM U HOE HES MINE FOR LIFE BAZZY BOO <3

**simonsnocone:** haha

**bazpitch:** agatha

**wellbeloved:** yes

**bazpitch:** wanna be a furry?

**wellbeloved:** ...excuse me

**pennycandy:** SMASH THE PATRIARCHY

**simonsnocone:** penny 1st of all theres a time and place and 2nd of all theres a difference between a smash-the-patriarchy attitute and true social activism and i hate that IM the one explaining this 2 yu

**bazpitch:** ATTITUTE

**bazpitch:** IM DYING

**bazpitch:** ur so wonderful

**pennycandy:** ;)

**wellbeloved:** ;)

**simonsnocone (sent an image):** blushing.jpg

**bazpitch (unsent):** AWWHWBJGWFGHWWFHWFMWWW UR BEAUTIFUL FACE FUCKING KILLS ME MARRY MY POOR GAY SOUL <333333

**bazpitch:** haha 

**bazpitch (unsent):** good job baz that was v suave nice going im proud of u

**wellbeloved:** WAIT SORRY ONE SEC

**wellbeloved:** im still dissecting the fact that basilton asked me 2 b A FUCKING GODDAMN FURRY???????!!!!!!!!!!

**bazpitch:** @snow mayb we should just go back to the minecraft idea

**simonsnocone:** WHY AM I SNOW NOW

**simonsnocone:** U WERE BEING SO CIVIL

**bazpitch:** u passed the grace period n i realized what a fucker u r

**simonsnocone:** ur a pretty good fucker urself butthead

**simonsnocone:** wait

**pennycandy:** DO U HAVE PERSONAL EXPERIENCE TF TF TTFTTF

**simonsnocone:** SAVE MY UJCMIUNG SOUYL I HATE MYSELF THAT CAME OUT SO WRONG

**pennycandy:** ;)

**wellbeloved:** ;)

**bazpitch:** (.Y.)

**simonsnocone:** TF THATS A PAIR OF TITTIES IM FUCKING GAY

**bazpitch:** TITTIES

**wellbeloved:** ILL B A FURRY JUST 4 THAT

**pennycandy:** IM CRYING

**bazpitch:** AGGIES A FURRY AND SIMON THINKS IM A GOOD FUCKER AND HES NOT ATTRACTED 2 MY TITTIES

**pennycandy:** THAT SOUNDS LIKE A PORN FILM

**wellbeloved:** STOP IM SOBBING

**pennycandy:** CAN WE JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE THE BEAUTIFUL SCREWED-UP GENIUS WHO IS SIMON FUXKING SNOW

**simonsnocone:** u guys made me cry

**bazpitch:** cheer up mister titties, agathas gonna b a furry :)


	4. u lil gay wonders

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say that I LOVE trans Agatha? I think I'm going to write more of her in the future. I know she's very OOC in this fic, but I think it would be insanely cool and interesting to try to write her both in-character AND trans. I don't know. Let me know if this sounds like something you'd be into...?
> 
> Another disclaimer that I stole some things off the VidCon website for the email they send to Baz. And I know nothing about Twitter, either. Just assume that everything is wrong.
> 
> Also!!! Sorry if you already read before I edited this. Warnings for misgendering and general horribleness in Davy's tweets. I'm really, really sorry that I forgot to warn for this!

_Group DM Contents, July 11th_

_for “SMASH THE PATRIARCHY AND ELIMINATE HETERONORMATIVITY”_

_admin_ **bazpitch** _(3 more users)_

 

 **wellbeloved:** protip

 **pennycandy:** Yes?

 **wellbeloved:** dont get ur furry costume off ebay

 **wellbeloved:** 99% sure theres dried jizz on this thing

 **simonsnocone:** i just threw up a lil in my mouth

 **bazpitch:** boo <3 dont die

 **simonsnocone:** awwwww hubby

 **simonsnocone:** ill stay alive 4 u babe

 **simonsnocone:** whats ur furrys name agatha

 **wellbeloved:** hes an anthropomorphic moose named louis

 **pennycandy:** I feel ill.

 **wellbeloved:** DO U WANNA READ THE 7547747457 PAGE FUCKIN MANUAL THE PRIOR OWNER SENT

 **wellbeloved:** I HOPE IM FUCKING GGET9IJG PAID FOR HTUSH!!!!!!

 **bazpitch:** HTUSH IM DEAD

 **simonsnocone:** TUUUUUSSSSHHHHHHH

 **bazpitch (unsent):** yes wanna be in urs ;)

 **wellbeloved:** i want2 die

 **simonsnocone:** this collab is gon be a masterpiece

* * *

  _Twitter Contents, July 12th_

 

 **@bazpitch** _tweeted_ **:** i remind you all once again to stay tuned for our collab! vidcon’s coming up fast! **@simonsnocone @pennycandy @wellbeloved #itsgonnabewild #staytuned #vidcon**

 **@davidthemage** _retweeted_ **:** what a bunch of {profanity censored}. and **@simonsnocone** who wants to see some {profanity censored} doing hair like an absolute {profanity censored}?? go home n do something worthwhile with the masculinity god gave u. **#{profanity censored}**

 **@bazpitch** _blocked_ **@davidthemage**

* * *

_DM Contents, July 12th_

**bazpitch** _to_ **simonsnocone**

 

 **bazpitch:** are u okay

 **bazpitch:** snow

 **bazpitch:** simon

 **bazpitch:** i

 **bazpitch:** i blocked him

 **bazpitch:** hes an asshole

 **bazpitch:** hes blocked from all my social media

 **bazpitch:** i wish i could do something

 **bazpitch:** ur

 **bazpitch:** ur worth a lot

 **bazpitch:** i care abt u

 **bazpitch:** im sorry

**simonsnocone:**

**simonsnocone:** its ok

 **simonsnocone:** not like i havent heard it b4

 **bazpitch:** u shouldnt have 2

 **simonsnocone:** u rlly care abt me?

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:** yeah

 **bazpitch:** ur a rlly great guy

 **bazpitch:** ik i joke n stuff but like

 **bazpitch:** dont forget that?

 **simonsnocone:** sometimes it just feels like everyone feels that way

 **simonsnocone:** that i should be better, manlier, better

 **bazpitch:** masculinity is a societal construct and it fucking sucks

 **bazpitch:** i love ur hair tutorials

 **bazpitch:** i think theyre wonderful

 **bazpitch:** i love the way u get so excited and ur voice rises and ur hands go so fast

 **bazpitch:** and ur smile

 **bazpitch:** i like that too :)

 **simonsnocone:** aw

 **simonsnocone:** that made me rlly happy

 **simonsnocone:** i

 **simonsnocone:** oh

 **simonsnocone:** thank u

 **simonsnocone:** u too i mean like i um

 **simonsnocone:** i just i

 **bazpitch:** i know

 **simonsnocone:** yeah?

 **bazpitch:** yeah

 **simonsnocone:** thank u

 **bazpitch:** thank u 2

* * *

 

  _Twitter Contents, July 12th_

 

 **@trixiepixie** _tweeted:_ OKAY BUT DOES ANYONE ELSE SHIP **@bazpitch** AND **@simonsnocone** THEYRE BOTH SO GAY AND WONDERFUL AND U HAVE TO WONDER WHY THEY WANNA DO A COLLAB SO BAD...I ACTUALLY CANT WAIT FOR THE COLLAB BC THE FEELS ARE JUST GOING TO OVERWHELM ME HELPPPPP

 **@keris** _retweeted:_ omg girl ur right **#validation**

_617 more users retweeted_

**@simonsnocone** _retweeted:_ y’all will ship anything that moves

 **@bazpitch** _retweeted:_ yeah can u focus on the beauty that is pegatha **@pennycandy @wellbeloved #pegatha #femslash #theirloveispure**

 **@wellbeloved** _retweeted:_ SHIPPING GOES BOTH WAYS U SHOULD KNOW THIS BY NOW **@bazpitch**

* * *

 

_DM Contents, July 12th_

**simonsnocone** _to_ **pennycandy**

 

 **simonsnocone:** HE JUST TOLD THEM NOT TO SHIP US

 **pennycandy:** I think he was just covering his butt.

 **simonsnocone:** HE DIRECTED ATTENTION AWAY FROM US

 **simonsnocone:** THERES NO WAY HE WILL EVER LIKE ME

 **simonsnocone:** HES SO BEAUTIFUL AND UNATTAINABLE AND I WANT HIS FINE ASS

 **simonsnocone:** fine everytjing rlly

 **simonsnocone:** but his ass is specisal

 **simonsnocone:** his ass is vvv special

* * *

  _Mail Contents, July 13th_

 **donotreplytickets@vidcon.com** _to_ **grimmbitch@gmail.com**

 

Hello **Tyrannus Basilton Grimm-Pitch**! We’re emailing to confirm your ticket reservations for the 2018 VidCon. Every year, thousands of fans, creators, and industry leaders come together to celebrate the power of online video. Please click the link to ensure you’ll have the information and tickets you need for July 28th. It’s coming up fast!

* * *

 

  _Group DM Contents, July 13th_

_for “Louis the Anthropomorphic Moose Furry”_

_admin_ **bazpitch** _(3 more users)_

 

 **bazpitch:** AHFHRFGHDGFHGFDAPIHUSGGGMJH I GOT MY VIDCON CONFIRMATION

 **wellbeloved:** ME TIBOOTME TOO rip tho im still listed as a FAN

 **bazpitch:** soon my young jedi, soon

 **pennycandy:** Um.

 **pennycandy:** I just got overwhelmed by a sudden rush of feelings and I have to say this now…

 **pennycandy:** I know you’re not supposed to start relationships over text and also I’ve never met you and ah and this is bad but like, WHEN VIDCON HAPPENS AND I SEE YOU, AGATHA, I’M GOING TO ASK YOU OUT.

**bazpitch:**

**simonsnocone:**

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:**

**bazpitch:** i think she died

 **simonsnocone:** I KNOW I DID

 **simonsnocone:** AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 **simonsnocone:** FML 2 OF MY BEST FRIENDS R DATING

 **pennycandy:** WILL be dating

 **simonsnocone:** AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

 **wellbeloved:** i cant speak i cant breathe i cant even

 **wellbeloved:** ur so cool and pretty and wonderful and i just i just i want i

 **wellbeloved:** hdwegy

 **pennycandy:** You’re so cute.

 **wellbeloved:** wuhiefqho;huifew

 **wellbeloved:** that was so smooth

 **wellbeloved:** i have no words i want

 **wellbeloved:** <3

 **pennycandy:**  :) :::)0))))))

* * *

_Twitter Contents, July 13th_

 

 **@bazpitch** _tweeted:_ **#PEGATHAISREAL**

 **@simonsnocone** _retweeted:_ i love u both pls kick some ass 4 me u lil gay wonders

 **@davidthemage2** _retweeted:_ just when u thought the collab couldnt get any worse, now its a {profanity censored} fucking a feminazi. **#{profanitycensored} @pennycandy** cant believe u fucking want the guy

 **@simonsnocone** _blocked_ **@davidthemage2**

 **@bazpitch** _blocked_ **@davidthemage2**

 **@pennycandy** _blocked_ **@davidthemage2**

* * *

 

  _DM Contents, July 13th_

 **bazpitch** _to_ **wellbeloved**

 

 **bazpitch:** aggie are u okay

 **wellbeloved:** i hate being misgendered

 **wellbeloved:** but im over it

 **wellbeloved:** assholes will be assholes

 **wellbeloved:** im female and in love and proud of it

 **bazpitch:** <3

 **bazpitch:** i live in awe of u

 **wellbeloved:** as do u all :P 

* * *

 

_DM Contents, July 14th_

**pennycandy** _to_ **wellbeloved**

 

 **pennycandy:**?

 **wellbeloved:** …

 **pennycandy:**!

 **wellbeloved:** ,,,,?

 **pennycandy:** …

 **wellbeloved:** :(

 **pennycandy:** :’(

 **wellbeloved:** //

 **pennycandy:**?

 **wellbeloved:**.

 **pennycandy:** <3

 **wellbeloved:** <3

 **pennycandy:** The thing is, I know exactly what you’re saying.

 **wellbeloved:** we r pretty cool that way

 **pennycandy:** :) Yes. Yes, we are.


	5. heterosexual voyeur

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In Which The Author Wishes They Had Written This Closer To VidCon Because It's Hard To Write Chapters That Fill The Time (So, In The Future, Watch For Bigger Timeskips).
> 
> please forgive the shortness and crappiness of this chapter....i've just....I have not had the best week? And I just want it to be over? So this might reflect a little of that apathy.

_ DM Contents, July 20th _

**simonsnocone** _ to  _ **bazpitch**

 

**simonsnocone:** I FIGURED OUT WHER E VIDCON IS

**bazpitch:** “pretty california place w river”

**simonsnocone:** SHUT UP UIT S SANDIEGO

**bazpitch:** YAH

**bazpitch:** I KNOW

**simonsnocone:** nO NEED TO BE RUDE MY DOOD

**bazpitch (unsent):** i FIND IT SUPER ADORABLE IM NOT BEING RUDE! <3 <3

**bazpitch:** I FIND IT SUPER FUNNY IM NOT BEING RUDE!

**bazpitch:** ps. that david fucker got his account closed down on every social media sphere there is, just got a notice

**simonsnocone:** bless

**bazpitch:** ik

**simonsnocone:** okay anyway so I TRIED MESAGAING THE CHAT ABT MY REALIZTION THAT VIDCON IS IN SAN DIEGO

**simonsnocone:** (which is useful since im flying out in 5 days)

**simonsnocone:** BUT NO ONE ANSWERED

**bazpitch:** i dont answer bc as soon as i do pegatha descends and makes it into a CuteFest™

**simonsnocone:** otp

**bazpitch:** otp

**simonsnocone:** lets just make a forty minute vid of pegatha making out

**bazpitch:** 10/10 would recommend

**simonsnocone:** ur gay

**bazpitch:** //??????//?:?/?/;??? the FUCK>>> WHAT?//???

**bazpitch:** im a heterosexual voyeur

**simonsnocone:** i feel like ur just kinda fuckedup

**simonsnocone:** in a rlly wonderful way

**bazpitch:** can i pls screenshot those last few texts of fantasticness and post them to insta

**bazpitch:** like those r beautiful and out of context and would also be a dopey-dope collab tease?

**simonsnocone:** go ahead <3

**simonsnocone:** DAMMITFCDRTFVB

**simonsnocone:** *:)

**simonsnocone:** how does that even happen

**bazpitch:** its ur subconscious

**bazpitch:** it wants me

**simonsnocone:** thats what she said

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch (has screenshotted the conversation):**

**simonsnocone:** DONT SCREENSHOT THAT PART

**simonsnocone:** WAIT

**simonsnocone:** BAZ

**simonsnocone:** STOP

**simonsnocone:** I WONT DO UR HAIR IF U POST THAT

**bazpitch:** …….shit

**simonsnocone:** thats right

**simonsnocone:** delete it

**simonsnocone:** i want my reputation intact 4 college

**bazpitch:** ur not going to college

**simonsnocone:** HPWO TYTHB F SO YOU KNOW TGTA

**bazpitch:** u. literally. said it in 1 of ur vids

**simonsnocone:** WHY DO U KNOW THAT

**bazpitch:** um

**bazpitch:** because i watch ur vids

**bazpitch (unsent):** constantly

**simonsnocone:** why do u do that

**bazpitch:** um?

**simonsnocone:** what interest do u have in hair tutorials

**simonsnocone:** why did u even agree to collab

**simonsnocone:** wait wtf actually WHAT IS HAPPENING

**simonsnocone:** MY WORLDVIEW HAS BEEN HIGHKEY QUESTIONED

**simonsnocone:** tag urself im the idiotic and hella gay hair tutorial dude w the floppy hair

**bazpitch:** im the heterosexual voyeur

**simonsnocone:** pennys the social justice activist who doesnt even kno what smash the patriarchy represents

**bazpitch:** u cant tag other ppl thats not how it works

**simonsnocone:** agathas the QUEEN OF LIFE

**bazpitch:** TRUE THO

**simonsnocone:** I JUST WANT A POSTER OF HER I CAN STARE AT AND SALUTE EVERY MORNING

**simonsnocone:** GOOD MORNING MY PERFECT QUEEN

**simonsnocone:** BLESS ME

**simonsnocone:** *salutes*

**simonsnocone:** *awkward finger guns*

**bazpitch:** *even awkwarder finger guns*

**simonsnocone:** *eve--QWWWIUW8OWIQUWAIT

**bazpitch:** ...yes?

**simonsnocone:** WHY DO U WATCH MY HAIR TUTORIALS

**bazpitch:** SHIT I THOUGHT U HAD OFRGOTTEN

**simonsnocone:** A SIMON NEVER FORGETS

**simonsnocone:** solve for forget when never=50% of the time

**simonsnocone:** FIEND

**simonsnocone:** ur plan has failed u will NEVER distract me again

**bazpitch:** so agatha

**simonsnocone:** STOPIT

**simonsnocone:** U U U U U….U HETEROSEXUAL VOYEUYUR!!!!!!!

**simonsnocone:** what shame u have brought upon the family

**bazpitch:** r we a family now

**simonsnocone:** yas ur my brother

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:** i cant subscribe to that

**simonsnocone:** mmhmm

**bazpitch (unsent):** incest is wrong

**simonsnocone:** why

**bazpitch:** deep religious reasons

**simonsnocone:** like what

**bazpitch:** oH MYBVGPD

**bazpitch:** uUR SO ANNOYING

**simonsnocone:** why did u watch my vids

**bazpitch:** for the same reasons i cant b ur brother OKAY???

**simonsnocone:**

**simonsnocone:**

**simonsnocone:**

**bazpitch (unsent):** well basilton what a fuckup u are might as well just roll over n die rn hes gonna know everything and the world is a miserable place why would u do such a thing

**simonsnocone:** wait u belong to a religion that makes u watch hair tutorials?

**bazpitch (unsent):** AHAHGAHAHAHAHSHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCKING SAVED HOW TF I AM A FUCKING GENIUS AHAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK HOW SUBTLE I AM

**bazpitch:** yup B)


	6. #EXPOSED

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *resurfaces* *throws chapter* *runs*
> 
> Thanks to all of you who left such kind, loving thoughts on this story and my trans Agatha fic ("the unadapted puzzle of your heart", if you haven't read it!) I appreciate it more than you know. You guys brightened my crappy week and made me happy again. <3

_ Group DM Contents, July 24th _

_ for “Louis the Anthropomorphic Moose Furry” _

_ admin  _ **bazpitch** _ (3 more users) _

 

**bazpitch:** so nobody knows what this collab is right

**simonsnocone:** i feel like we should just do a live vid and call it quits

**simonsnocone:** BC ABT THAT MANY PPL WILL WATCH

**simonsnocne:** OOHHHHH I JUST ZINGED INSTAGRAM SO HARD GET LOST U CORPORATE FUCKUPS

**pennycandy:** You’re using Instagram, currently.

**wellbeloved:** yAS BABE PREEEEEAAACCCHHHHH

**bazpitch:** guys itll be ok

**simonsnocone:** ok=us not dying

**simonsnocone:** low bar

**bazpitch:** ill post some teasers, we can do some short stuff on our channels, everything will be fine

**wellbeloved:** says the man NOT BEING A FURRY

**wellbeloved:** hey put it this way at least no one will be able to tell im trans when IM INSIDE A JIZZ STAINED MOOSE FURRY SUIT

**wellbeloved:** @pennycandy fyi i dont pass v well

**pennycandy:** You’re fricking beautiful, okay?

**bazpitch:** PEEEEGGGGGGGAAAAATTTTTHHHHHAAAAAA

**simonsnocone:** IIIIIMMMMMMM GGAAAAAYYYYYYY

**bazpitch:** everyones gay

**simonsnocone:** im so gay i own a pair of rainbow shorts

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:** thats 

**bazpitch:** i cant breathe

**wellbeloved:** he thinks thats overwhelmingly hot and he wants to see u in them (or preferably, out of them)

**bazpitch:** FUIURYLUHGIK.HGERLOUK FUCK YOU AGATHA YOU FUCKING FURRY STUPIDHEAD

**simonsnocone:** does that mean u dont think theyr hot

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:**

**pennycandy:** OH MY GOD IS BASIL ABOUT TO BE #EXPOSED

**simonsnocone:** basil awwwwww

**pennycandy:** CAUGHT RED HANDED IN THE ACT

**bazpitch:** the act of what

**pennycandy:** TRU LOVE

**bazpitch:** fuck u

**wellbeloved:** DONT DISS MY GIRLFIREND UYBNNMWE BACKWARDS ASSHOLE BUTTFACE

**simonsnocone:** wait can we like, not get sidetracked

**bazpitch:** no

**simonsnocone:** ik but like

**simonsnocone:** baz do u think my rainbow shorts r hot?

**wellbeloved:** dont breathe pen

**wellbeloved:** u could mess up the blossoming of this glorious new love

**simonsnocone:** hang on what

**simonsnocone:** SOMEONE HELP

**bazpitch:** penny i know ur dming him right now i promise u i will eat ur entrails rip ur guts from ur body and roll in them while decapitating agatha violently

**pennycandy:** ...Sorry, Si.

**wellbeloved:** SIMON HES IN BIGULYGJWIEYKFGLIHBEHR,J

**simonsnocone:** excuse...me….?

**bazpitch:** sucker i just tackled her

**pennycandy:** Oh my God, are you guys together right now?

**bazpitch:** NO IDIOT I VIRTUALLY TACKLED HER

**bazpitch:**  yes

 **bazpitch:** SHES WEEPING

**pennycandy:** BBBBBAAAAAAABBBBEEEEE <3 <3 <3

* * *

_ DM Contents, July 24th _

**bazpitch** _ to  _ **simonsnocone**

 

**bazpitch:** yes i think ur shorts are hot

**bazpitch:** i would think they were hotter if i saw u in them

**bazpitch:** i would probably also appreciate it if i saw u out of them

**bazpitch:** ur face is cute

**bazpitch:** and ur hair

**bazpitch:** i wanna do a collab just the 2 of us

**bazpitch:** no furries allowed

**bazpitch:** ur cute

**bazpitch:** uh

**bazpitch:** bye

**simonsnocone:**

**simonsnocone:**

**simonsnocone:**

**simonsnocone:**

**simonsnocone:** i cant m breathe  ne my heart is explodig jaham =fb

* * *

_ DM Contents, July 24th _

**simonsnocone** _ to  _ **pennycandy**

 

**simonsnocone (sent a screenshot):** prayforsimon.jpg

**pennycandy:** holy shit ive been rendered incapable of living

* * *

_ Twitter Contents, July 25th _

 

**@simonsnocone** _ tweeted:  _ **#theonewhogotaway** he won’t answer me  **@bazpitch**

**@wellbeloved** _ retweeted:  _ **#SNOWBAZISREAL**

**@pennycandy** _ retweeted:  _ RETWEET IF UR PSYCHED FOR VIDCON AND THE INTERSECTION OF TWO VERY STUPID BEAUTIFUL BOYS

**@simonsnocone** _ retweeted:  _ THATS ALL WELL N GOOD BUT HE WONT ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**@trixiepixie** _ tweeted:  _ **@bazpitch** we love u, go get ur boi

**@keris** _ retweeted _

* * *

_ Group DM Contents, July 25th _

_ for “Louis the Anthropomorphic Moose Furry” _

_ admin  _ **bazpitch** _ (3 more users) _

 

**simonsnocone:** im getting on a plane yall ill um, ill see u at vidcon

**simonsnocone:** yeah

**simonsnocone:** um

**simonsnocone:** boarding, bye

**wellbeloved:** see u there <3

**pennycandy:** HAVE FUN!

**bazpitch:** be safe :) ill see you there

* * *

_ DM Contents, July 25th _

**wellbeloved** _ to  _ **pennycandy**

 

**wellbeloved:** HOLY SHIT IM DYING BAZ MUST BE SO NERVOUS AND SMOL OMG I CANT EVEN I WANT TO OHHOUJERHKUHREBHEW JUS TTKOILLL MEEEEE

**pennycandy:** Were we that stupid?

**wellbeloved:** u sound like weve been dating 4 yrs

**pennycandy:** Practically.

**wellbeloved:** “practically” thats the OPPOSITE OF HOW WERE DOING THIS

**pennycandy:** At least we’re not Simon and Baz…

* * *

_ DM Contents, July 25th _

**bazpitch** _ to  _ **simonsnocone**

 

**bazpitch:** ik u wont read this til u land but the fact is i was too scared to check my phone until now

**bazpitch:** i thought u were going to reject me

**bazpitch:** im so happy i cant breathe i

**bazpitch:** simon

**bazpitch:** si

**bazpitch:** i 

**bazpitch:** i think ur wonderful

**bazpitch:** i cant wait to see u i

**bazpitch:** <3 

**bazpitch:** ill see u there ill

**bazpitch:** oh fuck it i just

 **bazpitch:** i cant wait to see u :) be safe


	7. middle finger emOJI

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look! I'm back!

_Twitter Contents, July 25th_

 

 **@simonsnocone** _tweeted:_ OMG VIDCON IS AMAZING SOMEONE HELP LOOK AT THIS HOTEL ROOM **{image} {image}**

 **@bazpitch** _retweeted:_ I hope ur aware that u reserved ur own hotel room and it has nothing to do with vidcon

 **@simonsnocone** _retweeted:_ middle finger emOJI ITS GREAT OK SHHHH

 **@simonsnocone** _retweeted:_ are u off the plane

 **@bazpitch** _retweeted:_ yes I’m in a very suave rental car **#subaru**

 **@simonsnocone** _retweeted:_ i want to see u

 **@bazpitch** _retweeted:_ this is twitter not dm

_1,098 more users retweeted_

**@simonsnocone** _retweeted:_ LET THEM TALK

* * *

  _DM Contents, July 25th_

 **simonsnocone** _to_ **bazpitch**

 

 **simonsnocone:** are u here yet

 **bazpitch:** checking in, which hotel

 **simonsnocone:** my heart rate just increased seeing letters that came from ur brain can u just not respond

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:**

**bazpitch:**

**simonsnocone:** jK PLEASE KEEP RESPONDING PLEASE I UM

 **simonsnocone:** holy shit im nervous

 **simonsnocone:** im just at the best w…

 **bazpitch:** omg

 **simonsnocone:** IM COMING DOWNSTAIRS DONT MOVE DONT MOVE DONT MOVE DONT  

* * *

 

_DM Contents, July 25th_

**bazpitch** _to_ **simonsnocone**

 

 **bazpitch:**...i didnt move

 **simonsnocone:** im sortryimsorryimsorry

 **simonsnocone:** i uh

 **simonsnocone:** i lost my nerve i

 **simonsnocone:** i couldnt i was scared i

 **bazpitch:** simon

 **bazpitch:** SNow

 **bazpitch:** hey

 **bazpitch:** <3

 **bazpitch:** its ok

 **simonsnocone:** yeah?

 **bazpitch:** yeah

 **simonsnocone:** im in my room

 **simonsnocone:** im kinda shivering

 **simonsnocone:** possibly in the closet??

 **simonsnocone:** AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA OMG BUT NOTTTTT BECAUSE

 **simonsnocone:** IM GAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 **bazpitch:** are u wearing ur rainbow shorts

 **simonsnocone:** why yes, yes i am

 **bazpitch:** what #

 **bazpitch:** or if thats not ok i can wait, i can

 **bazpitch:** i can

 **simonsnocone:** no its okay i um im we will we are going to um

 **simonsnocone:** 215?

 **bazpitch:** haha well shittttt 530

 **bazpitch:** i totally thought it was gonna be like a bad fanfic where i was 217 and i could hear u jerking off in ur room

 **simonsnocone:** I PREFER THE TERM MASTERBATING

 **bazpitch:** *masturbating

 **simonsnocone:** fuck u

 **bazpitch:** i wouldnt mind

 **simonsnocone:** ;)

 **simonsnocone:** so

 **simonsnocone:** r u coming?

 **bazpitch:** oh did u want me to did u were u ok with

 **simonsnocone:** baz

 **simonsnocone:** get ur ass down here

 **simonsnocone:** i want to see u i want

 **bazpitch:** im coming

 **bazpitch:** right now

 **simonsnocone:** yes

 **bazpitch:** i will

 **bazpitch:** see you

 **bazpitch:** incest

 **simonsnocone:** ….?

 **bazpitch:**!!!!! FUXK MY DFHFUCJIU FYCKN autoitoorrect rufkc

 **bazpitch:** *in a sec

 **simonsnocone:** OH OH OH oh is that what u meant when u said u couldnt be in my family

 **bazpitch:** how the fuck do u still remember that

 **simonsnocone:** come down ehre

 **bazpitch:** on my way

 **bazpitch:** simon if im not

 **bazpitch:** if im not what u thought what u wanted its ok

 **simonsnocone:** stop wasting time (on tears i live another 50 years the oRPHANAGE)

 **bazpitch:** oh my god ur hopeless okay BYE FOR REAL IM COMING DOWN RIGHT NOW

 **bazpitch:** i promise

 **bazpitch:** putting my phone dowwwnnnn….

 **bazpitch:** NOW.

* * *

 

Simon spends an absurdly long amount of time at the door staring idly through the peephole and waiting for Baz to stare back at him. After a few minutes, he gives up and goes into the bathroom to wash his face. A watched pot never boils--and sure enough, no sooner has he unfolded a washcloth than a sharp knock sounds at the door.

There’s a bit of undignified tripping and stumbling, and a gasp that sounds sort of like horror-movie porn. But no one has to know.

Simon flings open the door and--

And it’s him. It’s him, Basilton Grimm-Pitch, strong-jawed and fierce, black hair and gray eyes and gorgeous chest and all. And he’s smiling. He’s smiling. At Simon Snow.

Simon, briefly, can’t recall the exact mechanics involved in an inhalation.

“Hey,” Baz says, and his voice outside of videos is so _light,_ thin, sarcastic, this coppery edge to it that makes Simon have to reach out a little for a wall. To steady himself, to survive the infinite fall he’s just taken down into Baz-land, from which it’s all too likely he’ll never return.

“Hey,” he manages, very breathy.

And this. _This_ is a miracle: that Baz’s eyes light up. Like maybe he likes Simon’s voice, like maybe he’s been waiting for this moment just like Simon has, like maybe he’s been counting the days, typing with trembling fingers, bated-breath pausing by the door before he knocked.

“Can I--”

“Yeah, um, yeah, sure, come in. I--”

Baz steps in and the door closes behind him and all of a sudden Simon is very aware of the underwear in his suitcase and the condom in his wallet and the fact that they’re in a room with a fucking _bed._

Not a _fucking_ bed, he amends, hastily, because it’s necessary in his mind to amend such things. Not a bed designed to be fucked on.

Although it is a very nice bed, with a bit of give and a headboard that would hit the wall--

Simon closes his mouth.

“I know I took a while,” Baz says, bashfully; “or maybe it only _felt_ like a while to me; I don’t know--”

“You’re okay,” Simon says, and finds his voice strong. He’s a bit amazed at it. “I mean, I’m glad you’re here. Now.”

They eye each other. Simon takes a step back, through the entrance of the room into the living space proper. There are no chairs. He realizes this, too late. There’s a bed. And the floor.

He sits on the floor.

Baz sits on the bed.

“I saw your video,” Simon says, “of landing.”

It was very short--a one-minute clip of San Diego swooping up to greet him, the crackling voice of the pilot, Baz’s velvety laugh.

“Oh, hey,” Baz says, running a hand through his hair. “Right. That’s cool.”

Simon’s not sure what else to say. He blurts out the first thing that comes into his head.

“And--uh, I think you should have--I mean, um--the only thing it was missing was your face.”

Baz’s eyes go very wide.

“Shit,” Simon says, backtracking; “sorry, I--maybe that--I know--”

Baz gets slowly off the bed. He kneels right down next to Simon and looks him in the eye. And then it’s _oh_ proximity and a lot of gorgeous black hair and that smile that lights up all his videos, that sometimes--embarrassingly--lights up Simon’s dreams, and--

“Simon,” he says. Kind of throatily.

“Uh,” Simon says.

“It’s _okay,”_ Baz says, and he sits back on his heels.

Simon wants him back. “Right,” he says, “right, right, right, right,” and then he’s nodding like a fool, up and down, fish-mouthed, and Baz’s smile just keeps on with its growth.

“You’re an _idiot,_ Si,” he goes, and he gets to his feet. Like he has no idea what he’s doing to Simon. There are nerve endings fucking exploding. There are probably small aneuryisms on their way to doing Simon in. “And you’re fucking perfect. You know that?”

Simon stands up carefully so as not to short-circuit and start crying.

“Yeah,” he says, “I--uh, I mean, no, thank you--I--Baz--”

Baz takes this one gentle step forward and folds Simon into his arms.

And. Oh. Yeah.

That’s kind of what Simon’s been waiting for, this whole time.


	8. you know what they say about furries

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for furry-dissing. And way too much boys-in-love.

_YouTube Comments, July 26th_

_on “Mini-Collab”_

_video posted by_ **bazpitch** (67,098 views)

 

 **bazpitch:** so theres this boy and he makes me happy and i got to make this vid w him and that makes me one insanely lucky human being **+simonsnocone**

 **simonsnocone:** so theres this boy and he makes me happy and i got to be in this vid w him and that makes me one insanely lucky human being **+bazpitch**

 **pennycandy:** YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE CUTER THAN US.

 **trixiepixie:** OMHGOMGOGKGMOGMOGMG OTP OTP OTP OTP OTP OTP OTP OTP

 **keris:** WHEN HE KISSED HIS CHEEK IJ EJ,VGB  I FUCKIUB HYGYH

 **trixiepixie:** OTP OTP OTP OTOPOTOPTPO

* * *

  _Group DM Contents, July 26th_

_for “Snowbaz is God”_

_admin_ **bazpitch** _(3 more users)_

 

 **wellbeloved:** BITCHES IM HEEERRREEEEEEE

 **simonsnocone:** WAIT SRSLY WHEHEHEREEEE

 **pennycandy:** Oh my God, everyone’s going without meeeeee!!!

 **wellbeloved:** i miss u babe <3

 **pennycandy:** u 2 babe

 **simonsnocone:** WHERE TF R U AGS WHAT ROOM

 **wellbeloved:** 304?

 **simonsnocone:** BAZ N I R COMING 2 DINF HUUUU

 **pennycandy:** wow, okay...bye, guys.

* * *

 

They leave Simon’s room hand-in-hand, which is a very new thing that makes Simon sweat nervously all over and hold either too tight or too loose. Baz has this little smile on his face; half-curled and sideways. It’s insanely distracting.

“Did you see the comments?” Simon says, at the elevator bay. They’re still holding hands, even though there are two old ladies waiting for the down elevator right beside them. Simon entertains the brief thought that they’re here for VidCon.

“On our video,” Baz replies; “yes,” and he puts the slightest emphasis on _our,_ and matches it with a squeeze of Simon’s palm.

“Yes,” Simon says, and turns red. Because he’s Simon and he’s holding Baz Pitch’s hand.

* * *

Of course, halfway up to the third floor the elevator shudders and stalls and the lights go out and Baz’s hand spasms against Simon’s and of course this has to happen; of course. Simon tries to stay calm, for Baz’s sake.

“Fuck,” Baz says, trembling; “has this--happened before? I--do you--”

He’s breathing very tight and fast and quick and before Simon can think about what he’s doing he puts an arm around Baz’s shoulders and turns Baz’s face into his neck and holds him there. There’s a bit more shaking and then Baz kind of eases himself against Simon and exhales a long sigh. They slide down the wall together. End up sitting, half in each other’s arms.

They don’t talk but in the middle of one breath and the next, Simon tilts his face down and Baz tilts up and they acquaint themselves with the feeling of each other’s lips, touching. It’s a gentle butterfly kiss, just light pressure and Baz’s hands sliding up Simon’s back under his shirt and closed eyes and feather-lashes and the slight trace of stubble on Baz’s jaw.

Simon catches his breath. Loses it. Catches it again. He turns his head and presses himself closer, tongue and lip, breathing in the silent dark, the hot oppressive closeness of the elevator walls.

“Simon,” Baz says, against his mouth, warm and loose, “ _Snow,”_ and Simon thinks, _They call us Snowbaz,_ and, _I don’t care what they call us,_ and _I like this, I like this, I like you, I want more._

* * *

 

Agatha is waiting at the elevator bay. Simon can’t help thinking that she lied about not passing: she looks feminine and beautiful and kind of wild, and not at all like she looked in Baz’s video.

“Did you guys get stuck?” she says, after she and Baz have hugged, a long warm press of an embrace that _almost_ makes Simon jealous. “It took you forever.”

“It stopped halfway,” Baz says. He takes Simon’s hand.

Agatha’s gaze goes down to their intertwined fingers, and then back up. She smiles a little wicked curve of a smile. “Did you have fun?”

“Oh, tons,” Baz says, because Simon’s turned red again, and become incapable of speech. “Ags, this is Snow. Simon, Agatha.”

“Hey,” they say at once, and Simon sticks his hand out to shake, but Agatha turns it into a sort of pounding bro-hug which Simon likes, very much. Up close she smells sort of dusky and sweet, and her hair adheres itself to Simon’s face.

When she pulls away, she’s smiling again, but this one’s more sincere. “Should we just make a new collab every time one more of us arrives?” she says, pushing her hair behind her ears. “I’m not getting Louis out until Pen gets here, but--”

_“Louis.”_

Baz starts laughing, so hard that he falls against Simon, and Simon has to steady him, put an arm around his shoulders to heft him up. “Louis,” he snickers again, “your _furry,_ your goddamn _moose--”_

Agatha sticks her tongue out at him. “I’ll have you know,” she says, high-and-mighty, “that he flew first-class. With a seat of his own.”

 _“That’s beautiful,”_ Baz gasps, and Simon starts laughing in spite of himself. They’re drawing a number of strange looks from the people in the elevator bay, who are all twenty-somethings or dour-looking businessmen. Simon recognizes a few of the twenty-somethings from various channels he follows. They don’t look impressed by either his newfound love or accompanying furry-girl.

“Shut up,” Agatha says; “get a hold of yourself, honestly.” But she’s smiling too. She takes Simon’s hand, so he’s bordered on each side by someone, and squeezes it, a little happy clutch. “Lunch? Dinner? I know a good pizza place. By the river.”

“Can we go skinnydipping?” Baz says, and ducks when Simon tries to hit him.

“Absolutely,” Agatha replies, and flashes him a sly, squinch-eyed grin.

* * *

 

When they’re done with pizza--pepperoni for Baz and Agatha, sausage-mushroom for Simon--they go down to the river and find a bench where they can FaceTime Penny. It’s a work day, so the only people out are bored-looking teenagers and kids with babysitters. There’s a single homeless man lying on the opposing bench. Agatha gives him twenty dollars and strikes up a brief conversation about federal funding for homelessness and how much she likes his dog. She gets down on her knees and fools around with the mutt, until by the end of the session she’s practically on top of it.

“You know what they say about furries...” Baz says, very quietly in Simon’s ear, and Simon gives a little repulsed shriek of laughter, and dodges away.

After Agatha’s done, she comes back to their bench and throws herself into Baz’s lap. He holds her with one arm, distractedly, while with the other he fiddles with the phone. Simon can’t help reflecting that for a guy who spends most of his time making videos, Baz seems appallingly bad with technology. Simon tells him as much, and Baz looks offended, and then amused.

“You do it, then, if you’re so smug,” he says, shoving the phone into Simon’s hands.

So Simon does. There’s a few rings, and the flickering screen where the phone deliberates on whether to cooperate or not, and then the static hum sounds, and the screen fizzles into Penny’s round face.

“Si!” she says.

“Pen,” Simon says, and blows her a kiss. “There are some people here who want to see her.”

It turns out to be _very_ wonderful to see Agatha take the phone, all wide eyes and pursed scared little fish-mouth, staring. And even more wonderful to see her whole expression soften when Penny comes into view. And the wonderfullest to have Baz press close into Simon’s shoulder, and turn his head and smile that soft little _look at them_ smile, like they’re way ahead, they did that yesterday, they kissed in a goddamn elevator, they’re _boyfriends,_ they’re here, they’re that. A together, a two. A _them._

* * *

 

Penny tells them she’ll be flying out tomorrow, since her mom’s birthday is today, and Agatha says she can’t wait, and it’s kind of just generally a cute-fest from then on, with a lot of quiet smiles and awkward silences and Baz and Simon in the background. Which is pretty okay with Simon.

They hang up after an hour so. Agatha blows kisses and Penny does too and Simon says he hates her and Penny says he hates him back, and Baz just gives this funny little formal goodbye, like he’s in Downton Abbey, wishing her farewell. Then Baz takes the phone back, and slides it into his pocket. He pushes Agatha off his lap.

“Where to?” Simon says, standing.

Agatha rises, too. “I’m going back to the hotel.”

“No collab?”

“I don’t think so. We’d better just wait for Penny.” She pauses. “I don’t want to put on Louis any sooner than I have to.”

“Oh, right,” Simon says, a bit too loud; “the jizz.”

The two girls walking by at that moment do a double-take, eyes wide, and go on.

Baz takes Simon’s hand. “We’ll see you for dinner tonight, then?”

“Sure,” Agatha says, and kisses them each on the cheek, “if you want. Or you can always have a nice romantic one alone. Stay safe, okay? Use protection, remember consent--”

Simon’s face is scarlet. He can feel it, burning. Baz gives this little half-hearted kick at Agatha, and she snickers and jumps away. “I love you,” she singsongs, “and you’re cute, and may Snowbaz live forever, amen, amen, et cetera.”

When she’s gone, Baz pulls Simon into his arms and kisses him so hard he sees stars.

“Hello,” Baz says, very shyly, and pulls away. “I’ve been waiting all day to do that again.” 

* * *

 

They don’t go skinnydipping, but they do take off their shirts and socks and sit at the edge of the water with their shoulders touching in the sun. They talk for what might be hours. By the time they’re done, Simon’s half in Baz’s arms, and the sun’s quite low in the sky.


	9. the sib-zone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Greetings to anyone who is still even moderately interested in the conclusion of this fic--because it is here! Warnings for the usual crude jokes and language.
> 
> This was a lot of fun and very trashy. I hope y'all enjoyed. :)

_ YouTube Transcript, July 28th _

_ for “Bazpitch, Simonsnocone, Pennycandy, and Wellbeloved” _

_ video posted by  _ **bazpitch, pennycandy, wellbeloved, simonsnocone** _ (57,005 views) _

 

_ A black screen fades into a wide shot of the San Diego Convention Center. Hundreds of fans are on their feet, clapping and cheering as Baz Pitch makes his way onstage.  _

_ Cut to Baz seated and smiling, leaning forward to listen to interviewer Sharon Richarde. _

_ Audio, Sharon:  _ “And what about the Internet delight your relationship with hair tutorialist Simon Snow, or Simonsnocone, has prompted?”

_ Audio, fans:  _ Screaming.

_ Baz smiles even wider. Cut to Simon Snow, seated far back in the auditorium and mobbed with teenaged girls.  _

_ Audio, Baz:  _ “Oh, I don’t think the delight is solely Internet. What about you, Simon? You feel delighted?” 

_ Simon answers in the affirmative. _

_ Audio, Baz:  _ “I know I’m pretty delighted myself. So...I guess we’ll just have to see how that turns out.”

_ Fade to black.  _

_ Letters blaze across the screen, spelling out:  _ “Bazpitch, Simonsnocone, Pennycandy, and Wellbeloved. The collab you didn’t know you were missing.”

_ Shot of the San Diego riverbank. Agatha Wellbelove, obscured by a massive and crusty moose furry suit, lies on her back, arms askew. Penelope Bunce sits on a park bench with Baz and Simon. _

_ Audio, Simon:  _ “So for those of you wetting your pants for a collab…”

_ Audio, Baz:  _ “It’s here.”

_ Audio, Penny:  _ “This is so lame. What do we even do?”

_ Audio, Agatha:  _ “Are we done yet?

* * *

_ Group DM Contents, July 28th _

_ for “Snowbaz is God” _

_ admin  _ **_bazpitch_ ** _ (3 more users) _

 

**pennycandy:** GUYS THAT WAS SO BAD I HAVE NEVER MADE A VIDEO THAT BAD I CAN’T BELIEVE I WAS A PART OF THAT

**wellbeloved:** 90% of it was me kissing pen n the other 10% was fans screaming in the background

**bazpitch:** personally i thought i was #blessed to b a part of it

**wellbeloved:** u would

**simonsnocone:** ok that intro tho when it cut 2 me with the girls

**simonsnocone:** i wanted to puke

**bazpitch:** it was cute

**wellbeloved:** NO PDA ALLOWED ON THE GROUP

**bazpitch:** SHUT UP WE R BONDING

**bazpitch:** an online relationship can not sustain itself without a healthy dosing of pda

**simonsnocone:** only 7 more hours til we see each other again

**pennycandy:** EEEEWWWWWWWWWW

**simonsnocone:**

**simonsnocone:** 6:59 and counting ;)

* * *

 

_ Group DM Contents, July 28th _

_ for “Snowbaz is BARF” _

_ admin  _ **_bazpitch_ ** _ (3 more users) _

 

**bazpitch:** WELL THE FANS SURE LIKED IT HOLY SHIT THAT FUCKER TOOK OFF

**simonsnocone:** i got ambushed in the hotel lobbey by girls who wanted me to write 57000 views in blood on their boobs

**bazpitch:** did u

**wellbeloved:** love how thats ur first question

* * *

_ DM Contents, July 28th _

**bazpitch** _to_ **simonsnocone**

 

**bazpitch:** are u happy

**simonsnocone:** why

**bazpitch:** bc i am

**simonsnocone:** im legit so happy im gonna throw up on u

**bazpitch:** id catch it

**simonsnocone:** thx boo thats repulsive

**bazpitch:** TAG URSELF IM SIMON SNO THROWING UP ON HIS BOIFRIEND

**simonsnocone:** NO IM SIMON SNO

**bazpitch:** THATS NOT HOW TAGGING WORKS

**simonsnocone:** what do i say then

**bazpitch:** u would b like

**bazpitch:** TAG URSELF IM THE PUKE

**simonsnocone:** WOOOOOOWWWWW

**bazpitch:** except u kno, not

**bazpitch:** <3

**simonsnocone:** watch out or ur going back to the sib-zone

**bazpitch:** incest here i come

* * *

_ DM Contents, July 28th _

**wellbeloved** _ to  _ **bazpitch**

 

**wellbeloved:** SO

**bazpitch:** so what

**wellbeloved:** WE R DATING PPL

**bazpitch:** somehow i was moderately aware of that fact

**wellbeloved:** AND I AM A YOUTUBER

**wellbeloved:** AND WE R ALL SO VERY VERY GAY

**bazpitch:** its a good life

**wellbeloved:** AND WHEN VIDCON ENDS?

**bazpitch:** idk bud

**bazpitch:** guess we r gonna just have to go back to nat

* * *

_ Group DM Contents, July 28th _

_ for “Snowbaz is GODLY BARF” _

_ admin  _ **bazpitch** _ (3 more users) _

 

**wellbeloved:** in all seriousness

**simonsnocone:** thats me all the time

**wellbeloved:** simon shutup this is A PSA

**wellbeloved:** we have relationships and we live in different places and THIS REUNION IS ENDING

**wellbeloved:** HOW WILL WE STAY DEVOTED AND TRUE

**simonsnocone:** there is this thing,,,,called the internet??? u may not have heard of it

**simonsnocone:** btw i met trixie the fuckin pixie or whoever whos that shipper lady on twitter

**simonsnocone:** and she is a blood-boober

**bazpitch:** never say that ever again please ever

**wellbeloved:** IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO HOLD AN INTELLIGIBLE CONVERSATION ON THIS CHAT W/O IT BEING TAKEN OVER BY 

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:** HUSSIES

**wellbeloved:** *humph*

**simonsnocone:** ags u can write letters

**pennycandy:** We will just have phone sex

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:**

**wellbeloved:** im down

* * *

_ YouTube Transcript, July 28th _

_ for “Bazpitch, Simonsnocone, Pennycandy, and Wellbeloved” _

_ video posted by  _ **bazpitch, pennycandy, wellbeloved, simonsnocone** _ (57,005 views) _

 

_ Close-up of Penny and Agatha (still in the furry costume), talking in whispers with their heads very close. Penny leans forward, pushes the moose head off Agatha’s shoulders and kisses her. Someone yells something rude out of sight of the camera, and Baz’s hand comes into viewand flips the heckler off. _

_ Audio, Simon:  _ “They’re kind of cute. Even with Louis.”

* * *

_ YouTube Transcript, July 28th _

_ for “Bazpitch, Simonsnocone, Pennycandy, and Wellbeloved” _

_ video posted by  _ **bazpitch, pennycandy, wellbeloved, simonsnocone** _ (57,005 views) _

 

_ Bumpy close-up of Baz and Simon, walking hand in hand. Simon leans up towards Baz and says something to him, and Baz tilts his head closer to hear. _

_ Audio, Penny and Agatha:  _ Quiet squealing.

_ Cut to Baz and Simon lying on the floor of a hotel room, comfortably entangled.  _

_ Audio, Baz:  _ “You smell weird.”

_ Audio, Simon:  _ “I love you.”

_ Audio, Agatha:  _ “Oh my God. You did not just say that.”

_ Audio, Penny:  _ “Is this on video? Is this on video? Can we just have a fifteen-minute repeat of Simon saying that over and over again?”

_ Audio, Simon:  _ “Are you guys still here? Go away.”

_ The camera bumps and Agatha and Penny rush in front of it, throwing themselves onto Baz and Simon. There’s a moment of wrestling and giggling, Simon and Baz kissing at the bottom of it, and then the camera falls over. _

_ Audio, all:  _ A universal shriek.

_ Audio, Baz, very quietly:  _ “I love you, too.”


End file.
